Shiver Me Timbers
Colder Than A Well Digger's Ass
Cold Enough to Freeze the Balls off a Brass Monkey
Colder Than a Witch's Tit
Colder Than a Polar Bear’s Pajamas on the Shady Side of an Iceberg

Oh yes, it looks like the mighty have fallen again & again and again!
By the mighty I mean those “Mighty Fine” temps that have so lusciously embraced us all with their magical powers that lure us into a happy complacency of tiny clothes, no socks needed and walking out our doors unconcerned about goose bumps. Yes they are now making a slow but sure exit on us again, and I always know the sh*t is about to hit the fan once again when I have to drag my ass outside again and perform the annual “WEATHERIZING DANCE”!

Now our friends in those nice apartments and condos have the good fortune of avoiding this yearly workload that nature bestows on the rest of us, yep that the ole Hawk is flying in and about to take over for the next few months or longer. The rest of us do that long list of getting things ready for the temperature onslaught.

Caulking any crack we can find. Nothing like walking around the house with a fully loaded caulk gun at the ready! My favorite is the second story windows that require the death defying feats on the ole ladder!! Probably should have one of those movie “stunt man” airbags down below so I could at least have someone film my ass taking a Fantastic dive off into space, then come up with my flashy black gun at the ready.

Putting in storm winders & doors. Now on this one my thoughts tend to lean towards getting rid of some darn windows must--have 3 or 4 in every room! Or maybe replacing my 1890 versions with those new space-age self-contained, thermal-lined, triple-paned, solar convertin’, non-condensing, self-cleaning (just made that one up) super winders that cost as much as a Porsche to have installed. Now that loans are getting a wee bit harder to come by, it looks like the ladder is my reluctant friend. Or screw it, just get the hair dryer out and shrink-wrap the whole damn house!

Finding that EXTRA space in the garage (mostly non-existent) for the portable fireplace, Weber grill, lawn furniture which by the looks of my neighbors collection, will very soon reach a cost triple of what my entire house furnishings cost, Tiki Torches, damn nothing like a warm summer night sitting out in the yard bathed in the glow of 10 Tikis, a poor man’s way to experience Tahiti. Then there’s the Hoses, damn no more washing the dogs in the driveway, lathering them up, doing a good rinse and having them smell like baby powder or violet mist for a few days. Yep, guess they're gonna have to smell like dogs for a while again.

Anyway, that brings me to a pat on my own back this year, shit I should get a medal!!!

Last Friday I got up & had my molasses flavored coffee while watching the local weather. Saw it was gonna be in the low 60’s for two days and with the courage of a valiant knight committing to slaying the monster dragon, decided to CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE!! Yes you read that right, CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE!

Now ladies may not have much appreciation for this daring decision, except for maybe wondering why the hell this is such a monumental, unbelievable task for men, but you guys know what I am talking about here. Cleaning the garage is one of THE most difficult tasks any man can take on without at least 10 to 15 years of puttin’ it off. So I hired myself a few local fellers to drag all the contents out on the driveway and basically start throwing shit out. Now seeing this ocean of collected this and thats was both amazing and frightening. Don’t know about you guys out there but I can hold onto some of the most insane shit that I just “know” I will need eventually. Like: my 20-year-old items, canvas army cot (dry rotted of course), my fine collection of roller blades, gravity boots, miracle tummy exercisers and a rusted door jam chin-up bar. Soccer balls, beer signs, old car jacks, old license plates, not mention every scrap left over from any wood product project I have ever done. Yes, 325 pieces of paneling, plywood, 2x4’s, 1x2’s, 1x4’s, all 6-to-18 inches long, you get the picture. Along with 10,000,000 screws and nails, doorknobs, 250 screwdrivers and one of my favorites, a mass of socket pieces from 150 socket sets I have had over the years. Why would I have 42 1/4-inch sockets and why would it hurt to throw the fricking things out!!! Funny when you start the job, many things are hard to get rid of but by 6 hours into it the decision to CHUG THE SHIT gets way way easier, so much so I almost threw out all my 5-year shit damn, had to step back and keep my wits about me. But I stuck with it two days, two long days and lo and behold, I can even get a car in there now, YEEHAW!!! Ladies, I do apologize for this but it had to be shared. Now just don’t start pushing on the old man because of this, it took me a few decades to muster up the strength so be understanding and gentle.

So after that hard work both mentally and physically I am resting up for this Saturday's show at our Favorite Club in the world, FitzGerald’s!!! Damn we love playing that room, something special about it. We will have our new member, Andon Davis, there with us--we are breaking the boy in and he is GREAT!! Come on out and give that feller your support, he is gonna be a huge addition to the band. A few of the folks he’s played with are Anna Fermin Trigger Gospel Band, Riptones, Situation Davis and my fave, LaToya Jackson’s backing band, get down bro’!!!

Now come on out while the weather is still kinda gentle for a huge party and great music, the new six-piece is kicking some ass. And get there on time, fall back my friends.

Saturday, November 10th, 9:00pm
FitzGerald's
Berwyn, IL
(Click here to see all details, links, maps, etc., in our gig listings at www.heartsfield.com.)

Next issue: Emerald Green Swamp Shake!!!