Howdee!!

Well I was a thinkin’, since many of the women I have dated often thought of me as or called me an animal, I would do this next issue on some animal issues that came to mind...

To start off, since Halloween is coming up I have to take a stand on something that is a disgrace and ruthless attempt to dishonor, strip all dignity and DO animal cruelty to my fellow dogs!!!!! Would throw in cats too, but as you all know I am a canine man, fearing that cats remind me too much of some of those b*tches (I mean women, but not as an insult--just keeping in the animal theme) I dated years ago, I just tend to shy away from the feline part of nature's wonders!! Anyway, what I am getting to here is the blatant attempt to make dogs look downright asinine(!!), but which really only goes to point out how foolish the person dressing up the poor creature winds up looking to us all!!!

Here’s an example...

Now some perpetrator has taken this innocent, handsome, dignified dog and attempted to have him be a pirate like Captain Hook or something. GET REAL, leave the swashbucklin’ sh*t to Johnnie Depp or Errol Flynn!

Another example...

Does this look like a sheriff to you? Wyatt Earp? Buford Pusser (Walkin’ Tall original, not that vanilla remake with THE Rock!)? Or hell, even Barney Fife?

No folks, this, in my book, is a strange ritual that humans go through that does nothing but do damage to a dog's self-esteem!! Can you imagine how long it must take for a dog to overcome the indignity and huge amounts of scoffing & snickering that all the other dogs must bestow on one of these abused characters? Must take years to gain back any respect from his fellow canine citizens, even if he whips their ass in a good fight!!! What a cross to bear, I say. While I am at it, forget the cute sweaters, bows, toenail paintin', and pompadour fluffy ball haircuts, too.

Another thing is the wrong use of the word "animal," as in, for example, "party animal." Animals do not, I repeat, do NOT guzzle tequila, mini-brewery beers, fine wines, do ecstasy, smoke hemp in a hookah, nor down drugs for fun in any way, shape or form. So leave them out of it. Should be "party like a human"--I know, not the same ring to it but way more truthful and real.

"Party animal," as used... (1) Someone who calls in sick to work with the flu way too often, (2) Even on simple trips to, say, the zoo, within 20 minutes has to find a lounge (bar) and if one is not there, runs through all the exhibits faster than a cheetah chasing a wildebeest through the African plains! (3) Can drink ungodly amounts, goes to the bathroom way too much, and upon coming out talks 30 times faster than before going in, and along with heavy lip licking, makes the 3rd liquor store run, amazingly talks only with a slight slur, and can not only find the remote, but tell you exactly who made the last 3 pass catches in the game you all are watching!! Sort of a rock of stability, in a way!! Of course then it’s face down on the sidewalk just before stepping into the car they insist they can drive NO PROBLEM!!!
As in example 2, he’s an animal!
(a) A lady exclaiming WOW, was he hot in bed!
(b) A person who eats food in a way that makes those around them ill from the sight and sounds of it--"like a cave man" is much more accurate. Don’t know about you but when I give my animals some of my food there is not even a crumb nor morsel left!! Ever seen the lions leave behind a huge mesh of leftover carcass? Besides, the poor animals never have had “table manners” as even a concept in their universe!!
(c) A person who is cruel or brutal for no reason. Animals do things logically and for a reason; we may not understand it, but in the animal kingdom very few things happen for illogical reasons. That domain is left to us humans to live out. In fact it should be like this,"That killer dude was just a wild human!!!" No need to drag the animals into our failings as a living species!!!

Other animal-related phrases:
- "Work like a dog!" Most dogs sleep half the day away and then just want to play.
- "I’m in hog heaven!" This just doesn’t work--you see that’s a mud pit where they throw buckets of slop at ya'.
- "There’s more than one way to skin a cat!" Not only disgusting, but what sick f*ck thought of that one?
- "Fly like an eagle!" If you ever did, you would need 50 to 60 airsickness bags. A 747 makes some of us sick.
- "Drink like a fish!" How many shots of Jack do you think a fish can really drink? I think a twelve pack of Bud would explode any fish besides a whale! (Ed. note: Um Perry, aren't whales mammals? Oh well, the point was made, size-wise, at least, hehe.)
- "Horny B*tch!" Hmmm, maybe that one works.

Okay, enough of this madness; I’ll leave you all to your own thoughts of, "Wow, this dude's even crazier than I imagined." But please, discourage anyone you know from the pet holiday costume thing. After all, we have "bigger fish to fry," can be "wise as an owl," and if they persist, become "sly as a fox," my friends! YEEHAW

This Friday we are at the wonderful adult venue with great food, fun atmosphere, and up-close-and-personal partying: Murphy’s Steak House in beautiful Mokena, IL. It is always a fun party there--and I know I say this many times, but I guess since we have the BEST friends and fans around, it’s always true!!! Hope to see ya there, and oh yes, Scotty will be playing naked for the first set, so don’t come late! I think Steve goes second!

Friday, October 26th, 9:00pm
Murphy's Steakhouse & Pub
Mokena, IL
(Click here to see all details, links, maps, etc., in our gig listings at www.heartsfield.com.)

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